United Airlines rapes wallets;

Okay, so before I do the major San Francisco updategasm, I just want to take a few moments to make sure no one I know ever flies United Airlines. Like, ever.

So it was never my choice to fly United Airlines returning from San Francisco. Well, I could have paid the extra 100GBP and flown 6 minutes later with Air Canada, but 100GBP for a 6 minute difference is a bit much (or so I thought). United seemed pretty good from what people said, and hey, they're a major US carrier right? How bad can they be?

Pretty crappy, is how bad they can be. I'll put this in bold to emphasise just how shitty United were - they are the most arrogant, hostile, money-grabbing, piss-poor excuse for an airline I've ever seen. I didn't meet a single member of staff, ground or otherwise, who wasn't rude, sarcastic, miserable, argumentative, bitchy... the list goes on.

Where do I start?

Check-in - apparently, being a British person flying between America and Canada puts these guys out majorly, from check-in to getting on board. Despite it being their policy, the check-in guy looked like I'd asked him to lick my arse when I presented him with my British passport and check-in confirmation so he could give me my boarding pass and check my luggage. He spoke to me once despite me asking questions about my baggage, and that was just to give me back my passport.

Gate staff - looked as if I'd presented them with shit on a newspaper instead of my passport. They closed it despite me opening it at the photo page and then struggled to find it again - "Wait, is this a BRITISH passport?!" (no, dickhead, it's a forgery) and eventually processed it so I could board, 10 minutes later. After holding the queue up.

Cabin crew - Asking for a drink without ice (when they ask you whether you want it like that by the way) is an act of war with these guys. Confronting them about the sheer embarassment you face when two male queens of flight attendants roll their eyes at you results in tittering from the back of the plane when you get up to leave (reason unknown considering I just replied "no thanks, no ice" when prompted). This was from the same crew member who scolded the entire plane for the way their overhead luggage was placed (I'm not kidding).

Ground agents- don't give a toss if your carousel number hasn't been announced, I think they enjoy watching people play Baggage Scavenger Hunt at half 10 at night. This is definitely a spectator sport, because none of the passengers enjoyed it.

If anyone from United happens to see this - and I hope you do - sort out your damn airline. I'll have no problems paying the extra to fly with Air Canada, American, Delta, Virgin or JetBlue when (and there will be another time) I travel around in America. I know I'm a minor traveller but these are the same staff who are serving the First Class and Business cabins. If you want to lose some frequent, really valuable customers, don't do anything, because I know you lost a few last night from the people I spoke to. But if you want to do something about it, emphasise some damn customer service and make yourselves stand out. Maybe then you'll start making some money.